what are ghost?
why do some see and some don’t? there so many kinds of ghosts. some ghosts is memories of something long ‘go. some is reminders of what used to be. some is double or blurred images. some is like a negative of a photograph, that underneath image. the ghosts i know, they just kind of like a combination of everything. my momma know ghosts, so did my grand momma. my step-daddy too, after living with my momma and me he got to know ghosts real fast.
i know a lot of different kinds of ghosts. i know some that is nice. i know some not so nice. seem to me, a lot of them don’t like you really looking at them. see even if you see them they flee real fast. they kind of skittish-like. tell you a secret, if you want to see ghosts you got to get good at seeing without turning your eyes. think they call that peripheral. some ghosts catch on though that that’s what you doing. you see them looking at you trying to figure out if you focusing on them sideways-like. when they catch on they flee.
guess you wondering why i’m talkin’ ‘bout ghost? well, ‘cause they been on my mind a lot lately. see every time something new happen in my life, or when i feel myself actin’ different, or when something comes to an end i feel like part of me died. and like that part that died, well it becomes like a ghost. funny thing is ghosts are scary in a way.
lots of people scared of them. even though i seen many, i still get scared. so i guess i get just as scared of my own ghost. how you think that works? ‘cause i don’t know. i mean to be scared of your own ghost well that means you kind of scared of yourself. let’s see, i is scared of when i get so broke i don’t know when i gon’ be able to pay my rent. i is scared of when i get real mad like i could do something real bad to someone. oh i hate when i get like that. i also get scared when i do something right and then get some new responsibility handed to me ‘cause of it. just ‘cause i do something right one time don’t mean i gon’ do it right the next time. you know it’s like these is all ghosts of me.
i’m me right here and now, right at this second right here. i’m not me two minutes from now ‘cause that’s a ghost of the future, and i’m not me two minutes ago ‘cause that a ghost of the past. this is me right now. but you know what’s funny, the me that’s right here and now was a ghost to me, in my imagination, well ‘bout, say, thirty years ago. ‘bout that time i was make believin’ how i was gon’ be and now here i am that real life make believe. i’m either a ghost come to life or a ghost don’t know she a ghost. and that little make believer well she’s a ghost to me. she’s one of those memories-like ghost. she used to be real but she not no mo’. so now the used to be what was the make believed of the future is now make believing the used to be make believer back then. now she really is the ghost, and she skittish ‘cause she flees from my thoughts a lot, but she not so nice ‘cause she reminds me of all the good things she got that i ain’t got. i ain’t got her young mommy who lives with her. My mother lives over six hundred miles away and is much older than her mother. i ain’t got her step-daddy. mine is dead for real. but i do have something she never had but always wanted. i got a dog. so in that way i win. she does tease me a lot and hurt my feelings because she got so much i ain’t. but she has some problems too. problems i ain’t got ‘cause i grew up and got over her problems. she tries to plant ghosts of her problems in my head, but i fight them off. sometimes i win. sometimes her problems win.
guess one thing for certain ‘bout ghosts: mostly they invisible. they see us ‘for we see them. whether you believe or not they always there. sometimes the only way to know is to look for them having been there. they do leave signs. guess you just got to know what you lookin’ fo’ or, better yet, what you sensin’ fo’.
ever been took over by a ghost? i know some people don’t believe in that neither, but some do. i one of those that do. see ‘bout ten years ago i got a call from my cousin shirley. she say, “call home.” so soon as i can i go to a payphone and call home. she tell me my step-daddy dead. before i know any better i was crying like a little girl, like that eight year old little girl. all i wanted was my mommy. i didn’t feel like no grown-up in no place in my body. maybe on the outside i look like a grown-up, but on the inside i was took over by the ghost of me when i was eight years old and my step-daddy would take me and my best little friend to cedar point and we would ride the rides together, all three of us, with me and my little friend going “wee-wee-weeee.” shirley told me i had a plane ticket waiting for me at the airport the next morning. just like that i snapped out of the trance of being took over by that little girl ghost, and i called everybody i needed to call and told them i was going to be away for a few days. when they asked me why, i got took over again, “my daddy died.”
when i showed up at the airport, i was a grown-up again. but my ticket must have had the word “bereavement” attached to it, ‘cause the ticket agent gave me this real sad look and just like that i got took over again. she slid a box of tissue towards me. all i wanted was my mommy. soon as i got home i stayed took over by that ghost. everywhere my mommy went, i went. every time my mommy sat down, i sat down right next to her, squeezed up against her. probably looked real funny ‘cause my mommy so much shorter than me. but since i was took over by that ghost, i didn’t see myself as so much taller than my mommy ‘cause at eight years old i was real little. my mommy even fixed my plate of food every time it was time to eat. on the outside i was twenty nine years old, but on the inside i was eight and me and my step-daddy was playing wrestling, in the t.v. room, and i was winning.
When I got on the plane to come back home, I left the little ghost holding my mother’s hand. I didn’t get rid of the ghost, I just loaned her to my mother for a while. A new ghost followed me back home, and she was very wicked and evil. She took over all my thoughts and had me believing I was all alone in this world. guess one thing for certain ‘bout ghosts: mostly they invisible. they see us ‘for we see them. whether you believe or not they always there. sometimes the only way to know is to look for them having been there. they do leave signs. guess you just got to know what you lookin’ fo’ or, better yet, what you sensin’ fo’.
I have let myself go. I have let myself go?
. I am in shock. I never knew that I could be where I am right now. I have decided to quit this quitting, but a tiny surge of panic is creepy up within me that I almost feel like I am clawing at the surface of water.
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